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Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.
Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments.
“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”
“Sure as shit no one’s hauling ass all the way to the Lincoln Memorial to meet up with me to score some cheeba anymore,” the vice president continued.
“Dynamite Joe had a nice little thing going for himself, and it’d be a damn shame for some stupid law to come along and fuck up the good times,” said Biden, who reportedly asked White House aides if President Obama could pull a few strings and make legalized cannabis go away. “You can ask anyone on the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”
“Fucker’s bags are always light,” added Biden. “And that cheap-ass stuff just crashes you out.”
Despite the obstacles that marijuana legalization will present, Biden remained confident that his quarter pound of magic mushrooms would still bring in “serious green” for the foreseeable future.