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The Onion, News Thump Ma Anche Lercio: Best Of


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#1 corrigan

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Inviato 20 marzo 2016 - 13:08

Il titolo dice tutto, ormai e' da anni che ci sono rimasto sotto. Oggi The Onion ha rispolverato questo capolavoro:

 

Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

 

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WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.

Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments.

“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”

“Sure as shit no one’s hauling ass all the way to the Lincoln Memorial to meet up with me to score some cheeba anymore,” the vice president continued.

 

 

“Dynamite Joe had a nice little thing going for himself, and it’d be a damn shame for some stupid law to come along and fuck up the good times,” said Biden, who reportedly asked White House aides if President Obama could pull a few strings and make legalized cannabis go away. “You can ask anyone on the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”

“Fucker’s bags are always light,” added Biden. “And that cheap-ass stuff just crashes you out.”

Despite the obstacles that marijuana legalization will present, Biden remained confident that his quarter pound of magic mushrooms would still bring in “serious green” for the foreseeable future.


  • 3

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#2 corrigan

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Inviato 20 marzo 2016 - 13:11

Aggiungo un classico nostrano:

 

Renzi parla a Strasburgo in inglese e per sbaglio dichiara guerra all’Ucraina

 

renzi.jpg?resize=620%2C400


  • 3

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#3 auslöschung

    internal bio-reverb

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Inviato 20 marzo 2016 - 18:43

beh, clickhole (per filiazione da onion) è di gran lunga la cosa non-emergente più divertente dell'internet. e da almeno un paio d'anni. le clickventures [2] uguale +1.

 

tieni, corrigan


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#4 ravintola

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Inviato 21 marzo 2016 - 09:58

Mi piacciono molto gli scoop sulla gente con problemi esistenziali. Di solito sono il momento piu' ilare della mia settimana.

 

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http://www.theonion....-last-addit-322

 

 

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http://www.clickhole...ough-nothi-2837

 

 

ce n'erano altri che mi avevano colpito, adesso mi spremo un po' per ricordarmeli


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#5 gigirictus

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Inviato 22 marzo 2016 - 18:41

un po' di titoli che mi ero salvato:

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#6 veryc

    E i ramo' ?

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Inviato 22 marzo 2016 - 18:58

Lercio è ormai in caduta libera, ma è stato per lungo tempo uno spasso incredibile. Ci sono davvero tante notizie finte geniali a cui hanno abboccato una miriade di boccaloni spernacchiati pubblicamente


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Ha già fatto tutto Black Mirror

 


#7 corrigan

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Inviato 23 marzo 2016 - 08:15

in tema ravintoliano:

 

io, oggi

 

http://www.theonion....t-1058-am-32181

 

Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch. “Who cares?” Dunedin said before putting on his jacket and leaving his office for a nearby sandwich shop. “It’s almost 11 o’clock, and I’m hungry. Do I give a flying fuck that it’s still morning? No, I do not. I’m getting food right now, and no one can do a goddamn thing to stop me.” According to sources, at 1:35 p.m. Dunedin had determined that, fuck it, if his coworkers were heading out, there was no reason he couldn’t join them and eat lunch again.


  • 4

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#8 gigirictus

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Inviato 25 marzo 2016 - 18:56

o310Cnm.jpg

 

http://www.clickhole...ame-google-2226


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#9 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 29 marzo 2016 - 16:23

w4DLb0y.png


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#10 Jet

    mainstream Star

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Inviato 29 marzo 2016 - 18:38

Lercio è ormai in caduta libera

 

Ogni tanto però calano ancora qualche asso:

 

Aereo Egypt Air dirottato su Cipro. Rilasciato ostaggio italiano: “Non la smetteva di applaudire”


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#11 bosforo

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Inviato 30 marzo 2016 - 22:50

Steso
http://www.theonion....lready-de-29685

Mi ha fatto pensare a un misto tra l'arresto dello spettatore di Maurizio Mosca e la morte di Franco Scoglio
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#12 corrigan

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Inviato 31 marzo 2016 - 01:12

 

Lercio è ormai in caduta libera

 

Ogni tanto però calano ancora qualche asso:

 

Aereo Egypt Air dirottato su Cipro. Rilasciato ostaggio italiano: “Non la smetteva di applaudire”

 

questa mi ha ricordato una che metto tranquillamente nella top 5 di Onion

 

Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time

 

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http://www.theonion....o-include-35524


  • 3

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#13 bosforo

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Inviato 31 marzo 2016 - 15:04

Questa mi stende ogni volt

 

Geese think they are hard

 

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GEESE are inexplicably convinced that they are hard as nails, it has emerged.

Farmyard and lake-based geese confirmed their intention to smash your head in despite only weighing about a stone.

Goose Tom Booker said: “One step closer and I’ll take you down to Chinatown.

“You, me, any time, any place, let’s do this.”

Geese confirmed that their favourite film is Roadhouse starring Patrick Swayze, and that although they were far smaller than other ‘hard birds’ like swans and ostriches it is all muscle.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When geese give it large, they aren’t messing around. Unlike swans, which are mostly just fronting, geese are aggressive, cocky, and won’t hesitate to call you out if they think they’ve been disrespected.”

“When a goose stands up straight, spreads its wings and starts hissing, it is saying: come at me, bro.”


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#14 ravintola

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Inviato 24 maggio 2016 - 11:50

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http://www.thedailym...-20160523109020


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#15 bosforo

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Inviato 24 maggio 2016 - 11:54

Families heading to Syria lured by fake Trip Advisor reviews

http://newsthump.com...dvisor-reviews/

L'immagine asd asd
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#16 ravintola

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Inviato 30 maggio 2016 - 12:29

DWujOX1.png

 

http://www.theonion....ffect-pla-52985

 

(cross-reference con topic "Terapia di gruppo la contemporaneita'"


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#17 ravintola

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Inviato 07 giugno 2016 - 09:30

trovato in me_irl ma va bene lo stesso perche' mi ci rispecchio molto  ashd

 

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#18 bosforo

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Inviato 10 giugno 2016 - 21:18

Più per il titolo che per l'articolo

http://newsthump.com...chained-melody/
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#19 ravintola

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Inviato 13 giugno 2016 - 12:09

gbEAb7O.png

 

http://www.theonion....ions-whil-50650


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#20 gigirictus

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Inviato 30 giugno 2016 - 06:55

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:


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#21 corrigan

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Inviato 01 luglio 2016 - 08:19

The Onion: John Kerry Edition

 

John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

 

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Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin’s Security Detail Passes Out

 

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John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin

 

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John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As Dasha

 

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  • 4

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#22 combatrock

    utente antifrastico-apotropaico

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Inviato 03 luglio 2016 - 12:01

Eroico pilota USA spegne un incendio scaricando il serbatoio delle scie chimiche

 

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  • 1

Rodotà beato te che sei morto


A voi la poesia proprio non piace eh?Sempre a rompere il cazzo state.


Con trepidazione vivo solo le partite dell'Inter.

 


#23 ravintola

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Inviato 05 luglio 2016 - 11:52

Zx2E3oL.png

 

Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood. “Jeez, do I go outside or call someone up or something? I really have no clue what you’re supposed to do here,” said Clifford, who admitted he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so cheerful or what he did when such a feeling last struck him. “I guess I could eat something, or maybe watch TV. Boy, I don’t want to waste this, but I don’t want to ruin it, either. I’m totally stumped on this.” At press time, Clifford resolved to just stay seated and wait for the mood to pass.

 

http://www.theonion....good-mood-36281


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#24 bELLE ELLEish

    TOPAZIO

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Inviato 05 luglio 2016 - 18:49

Clickhole ripropone un all-time fav. Forse la meraviglia è troppo sbilanciata verso il titolo, rispetto alla "storia", ma vabbè

 

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I PUT ON A FAT SUIT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE YOUR MOM


  • 0

A proposito del Maurizio Costanzo show, a me l'ospitata del Joker al programma del personaggio di De Niro ha ricordato una di Aldo Busi, ma proprio uguale, compreso il balletto con cui si presenta al pubblico. Dubito che Phoenix si sia ispirato a quella, ma in certe parti, quando si mette a checcheggiare, la somiglianza era impressionante.

il primo maggiorenne che vedrò vestito da joker a carnevale, halloween o similia lo prendo per il culo di brutto
minimo un A STRONZOOOO, ANCORA STU JOKER? STRONZOOOO, vieni a casa mia che ho bisogno di una mano a sgomberare la mansarda, STRONZOOOO

There is a duality between thought and language reminiscent of that which I have described between dreaming and play

Man the sum of his climatic experiences Father said. Man the sum of what have you


#25 gigirictus

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Inviato 08 agosto 2016 - 18:21

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#26 Ortodosso

    baby even the losers

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Inviato 08 agosto 2016 - 23:37

Apice:

 

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voter negativity
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#27 Marguati

    opinion maker

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Inviato 09 agosto 2016 - 16:00

Moving to London not compulsory

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MOVING to one of the world’s most expensive cities is not something you have to do, it has emerged.

Following growing concern about spiralling living costs in the capital, young people have been reminded that going to live in Dalston is not something totally necessary, like breathing or eating food.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “One of the best ways of tackling the housing crisis in London is by not going to live there.

“You may think it’s a glamorous escape from your humdrum provincial life, but it’s just full of people from your home town trying to escape from people like you.

“The ‘cool bits’ are just drab consumerist nightmares trading on the fact that edgy artists live there, but that was actually back in 1843 when painters were still addicted to laudanum.”

23-year-old graduate Nikki Hollis said: “The current London rate to rent sleeping space on a kitchen worktop is £1,000 per month plus agent’s fees. But I have to do it, I can’t risk not doing the thing the media tells me to do.

“My dream is to work for a magazine, writing columns about trying on sunglasses in vintage boutiques while feeling empty inside.”


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#28 bosforo

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Inviato 09 agosto 2016 - 22:57

Bella tripletta.

The Daily Mash ha titoli perfetti ma spesso gli articoli deludono. Non è il caso di quello qui sopra, naturalmente.
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#29 ravintola

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Inviato 11 agosto 2016 - 12:05

ncZW6HX.jpg

 

http://www.clickhole..._campaign=feeds


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#30 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 18 agosto 2016 - 13:30

auJZOfo.png


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#31 Guest_Michele Murolo_*

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Inviato 18 agosto 2016 - 13:35

A combatrock piace questo elemento.


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#32 bosforo

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Inviato 16 ottobre 2016 - 11:12

Clickhole si supera con questo:

 

Fighting Gentrification: This White Family Refuses To Live In Any Neighborhood That Isn’t 100% White

http://www.clickhole...uses-live--4964

 

 

 

Ma il capolavoro è la recensione di Noma:

 

The Greatest Restaurant In The World: Discovering A New Era Of Food At Noma

http://www.clickhole...w-era-food-5004

 

Lungo ma vale la pena


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#33 corrigan

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Inviato 24 novembre 2016 - 08:40

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

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NEW YORK—For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday.

The trip back home, scheduled for later this week, will reportedly bring McCabe face-to-face with an endless string of pricks from his past, each of whom he will have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again.

 

http://www.theonion....-went-to-h-2609


  • 1

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#34 veryc

    E i ramo' ?

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Inviato 06 dicembre 2016 - 10:06

Terminato oggi concerto progressive iniziato nel 1970

concerto.jpg?resize=1140%2C480


  • 3

Ha già fatto tutto Black Mirror

 


#35 bosforo

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Inviato 08 dicembre 2016 - 20:51

Questa mi ha ucciso

http://www.clickhole...source=facebook
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#36 corrigan

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Inviato 19 gennaio 2017 - 07:48

Black Man Does 8 Years 

‘The Onion’ looks back at the historic legacy of Barack Obama, a post-racial president for a pre-post-racial America.

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http://www.theonion....teractive/obama

 

The President of Vice 

‘The Onion’ looks back on eight years of killer tuneage, knocking back tallboys, and hunting for trim with the most buck-fucking-wild hombre to ever work in the White House.

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http://www.theonion....teractive/biden


  • 0

I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#37 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 19 gennaio 2017 - 08:24

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#38 ravintola

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Inviato 07 febbraio 2017 - 12:22

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#39 corrigan

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Inviato 07 febbraio 2017 - 13:48

Ho notato che Trump è talmente eccezionale che mette in difficoltà pure The Onion, in compenso stanno già creando un corpus di tutto rispetto su Steve Bannon asd

960.jpg

 

Steve Bannon Slurps Still-Twitching Tail Into Mouth Before Giving Opinion On Syria

http://www.theonion....mouth-giv-55244

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Hitting The Ground Running: Steve Bannon Spent His First Meeting On The National Security Council Describing The Way He Would Kill Each Person In The Room

 

“I’ve got someone I’d like you to meet,” Bannon told Steve Mnuchin, who was startled when he suddenly felt a cold hand on his shoulder. Gesturing to the linen-wrapped figure in a faceless porcelain mask now standing behind the prospective treasury secretary, Bannon explained that it was Shiro, and that it was the last time Mnuchin would ever see him, but that he’d feel his cold hand again one more time. And true to Bannon’s word, when Mnuchin looked again, he was gone.

 

To Gen. James Mattis’ credit, Bannon acknowledged that he would make a worthy opponent, and that he looked forward to Mattis giving him a reason to face him down. Despite the defense secretary’s Marine training, Bannon insisted that he’d watched hours of video demonstrations of krav maga, silat, and systema and expressed confidence he could blind, disable, and kill the four-star general almost immediately. That said, Bannon admitted he would most likely just sabotage Mattis’ helicopter to avoid the possibility of being overpowered in a face-to-face confrontation.

Finally, it was Trump’s turn.

“You I’d do with my bare hands,” said Bannon, leaning forward while maintaining unblinking eye contact with the president. “You’re old, you’re heavy, you’re slow. I figure I can get you on the ground with one good swing, and then just bam, bam, bam, bam until you’re jelly from the neck up.”

His business concluded, Bannon gathered his papers and exited the briefing room, pausing to let a passing White House staffer know that he’d run his neck over on his bicycle.


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I distrust orthodoxies, especially orthodoxies of dissent
「その時僕はミサト さんから逃げる事しかできなかった。 他には何もできない、 他も云えない… 子供なんだと ... 僕はわかった

 


#40 Marguati

    opinion maker

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Inviato 16 febbraio 2017 - 14:44

Valido anche e soprattutto per l'Erasmus ovviamente:

 

 

Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs


WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of universities now offer dick-around abroad programs that give students the chance to hang out and do jack shit in another country.

Once only available through a small number of liberal arts colleges, dick-around abroad programs, which seek to immerse students in a foreign environment ideal for screwing off, can now be found in more than half of all American schools.

"Taking time to go fuck around abroad has become essential to a well-rounded education," said New York University dean of student affairs Christina White. "We urge all our students to pick a program that's right for them, whether it's six weeks dicking around in the Spanish countryside, or six months sticking your thumb as far up your ass as you possibly can in Japan or South Korea."

"The chance to spend every night partying in pretty much the same way they would have at home is an experience they'll never forget," White continued.

While the tradition of dicking around abroad can be traced back to a medieval European university system that encouraged putzing off in other cultures, the practice didn't become common in the United States until the 1970s, when an entire generation began pursuing higher education and looking for ways to do fuck-all. Today, educators said, many students won't even apply to a school that doesn't provide programs that allow them to take bong hits in major world cities for academic credit.

"I've dicked around in France and Australia," said Lehigh University senior Christie Oden, a psychology major who spent last spring in the school's popular Holy Shit, Melbourne Is Laid Back program. "I tell everyone I know: Definitely dick around abroad if you get the chance. It's the best thing I did in college."

For students like Oden, who are seeking opportunities to waste enormous amounts of time in a specific field, some schools offer specialized programs for dicking around abroad. Engineering majors at MIT, for example, can spend a semester in a drunken haze at the school's Munich location, while juniors studying art history at Northwestern University may sign up for a year of yanking their puds in the museums of Paris.

But it's not just Americans who are interested in an international education: The Department of Education has also seen a steep rise in the number of foreign students taking buckle-down-and-succeed programs here in the U.S.

According to the report, applications for IIT Bombay's Spend Every Waking Second Making the Most of Your Education Abroad program are up 30 percent since 2009, while in the past decade enrollment in Peking University's Get an American Ph.D., Don't Draw Too Much Attention, and Report Back for Duty program has nearly tripled.


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#41 ravintola

    pesky skeleton

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Inviato 07 marzo 2017 - 09:20

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#42 ravintola

    pesky skeleton

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Inviato 13 marzo 2017 - 14:42

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 "Single customers can rest assured that they will always be left with a slimy, inedible clump of brown leaves at the bottom of the bag that wouldn’t be there if someone else were in their lives,” said Fresh Express CEO Marc Driver, adding that salad producers were united in ensuring that the refrigerators of partnerless consumers always contained a folded-over bag of soggy, spoiled vegetable matter that forces them to contemplate the possibility they’ll be alone forever.

 

http://www.theonion....-just-eno-55489


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#43 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 31 marzo 2017 - 23:23

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#44 bosforo

    ¬`¬`

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Inviato 01 aprile 2017 - 09:02

Lobsters mental

 

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EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

 

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that lobsters look like they come from deep space, and what if they got massive or something.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Look at this lobster. Is it an animal, or a fish?

“They’ve got giant claws, full body armour and no proper face. There’s no way of telling what they’re thinking but it’s nothing very friendly.”

Professor Brubaker believes that rather than being involved in the evolutionary process, lobsters came to the planet through a dimension gate.

“They arrived on Earth about 90 years ago. That’s why you never see lobsters in medieval tapestries.

“Also they’re bright red, which seems wrong. You don’t get bright red cats.”

Lobster Roy Hobbs said: “I am pretty mental. Sometimes I just look at my pincers and go ‘what the fuck?’.”


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#45 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 08 aprile 2017 - 09:26

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#46 Man-Erg

    Quando sulla riva verrai

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Inviato 08 aprile 2017 - 10:18

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Though we've been denied
Too much hope in our lives
Let tonight be the night
Let tonight be the night when it ends

#47 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 25 aprile 2017 - 14:04

*
POPOLARE

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#48 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 21 maggio 2017 - 08:59

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#49 thom

    The infrared insert of memory encouragement immersion

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Inviato 22 maggio 2017 - 11:29

lercio oggi infila un trittico stellare
 
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di qualche giorno fa, ma mi ero perso questo follow-up che rivela come il Ns. sia quel genio che ho sempre sospettato
 
Spoiler

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#50 gigirictus

    ï͂͑̉͆ͧͮͩ̓ͧ̒͒̉̎̂̊͆͑͐̊̓̊̅ͭ͗̐̄̏̾̄͊

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Inviato 19 giugno 2017 - 17:54

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